


Tendou Satori is a Sexual Being

by ThrutheprismWrites



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Bottom Tendou Satori, Character Development, Character Growth, Character Study, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, Light Masochism, M/M, Psychology, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, his mom used drugs, not tendou, sexual development, submissive tendou, tendou satori character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:48:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29561457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThrutheprismWrites/pseuds/ThrutheprismWrites
Summary: "He was unsettling looking his whole life, why should he try to behave normally when people would just judge him for his appearance anyway?He had gone to a kink bar. And there he had seen people who looked different from others. All different types of people. People with body fat, people lanky and thin, awkward tall people, super short people, trans people, people with lots or almost no body hair, all skin tones, all bodies. Sexual beings. All of them. Confident and gorgeous sexual beings interacting and enjoying themselves in their kink gear, in the crowd or on stage. Had many of them ever picked themselves apart? Had they experienced the things he had? He reasoned, maybe they had. Especially those that stuck out the most. But there they had been, all sexual beings, happy."
Kudos: 15





	Tendou Satori is a Sexual Being

**Author's Note:**

> (( A/N: Trigger warning for self image issues, bullying mentions, Negative body image, Negative self-talk, angst with a happy ending, very small mention of tendou’s mother having been an addict in regards to why Tendou doesnt drink or do drugs. Fic has been edited but not Beta’d))

Tendou Satori is not a sexual being.

There was a habit Satori formed in his early teenage years of assessing himself in the mirror. He would engage in it every morning before dressing. Perhaps it was all the bullying he experienced as a child. The deep criticism given to him by the viciousness of younger children and then after that younger teens, as mean as they possibly could be, always cloyed at the back of his brain. The way kids with no filters mercilessly tear into one another, unsure what to do about their own insecurities and hormones, they would pick on the appearance of anyone different from themselves. The strangest looking kid became the bottom dog victim.

And Satori's whole life, in almost every peer group, He had been that bottom dog. He had gotten so good at not letting it show.

As he started to mature, his sense of attraction and sexuality just edging into a fringes of his mentality, he would spend time alone in his room, naked before his own eyes, picking at himself.

Too thin, getting too tall, awkward proportions, bony knees. Not his own type at all. How was he supposed to feel attractive when he wasn't even attracted to this mess of a body. This mess of a face.

Ah his face. His eyes were set wider apart than the other teens, sunken in in a nasty way. Heavy lids and bags that never went away no matter how much or little sleep he got. Pale red eyebrows high on his forehead. Redbrown pupils that unnerved people somehow. Pale skin that only burned, never tanned.

When he was a twelve he would ask himself why he was constantly compared to a monster, a demon. At thirteen he started to understand the specifics of what other kids didn't like about him. By fourteen, he had fully absorbed the idea that he was ugly. Despite his attempts at changing his hair, his clothing, making himself cooler, make himself cuter. Try as he might to convince himself he didn't need the attention, the acceptance of others. The mirror didn't lie in the mornings. He wanted the acceptance of his own self.

And by the time his peers were experimenting sexually, he had really realized the truth.

No one would be sexually attracted to this.

But Satori, on the inside, was a sexual being.

He had desires, wants. He had a sex drive ever since puberty, one that gave him those dreams that would wake him up in sweats and made him have embarrassing moments of having to step out of class to avoid his hard on being seen. He caught flashes of skin in highscool as everyone else started to show off their new and more mature bodies. He came to grips with being attracted to other guys pretty easily, looking himself in the deep set eyes with too many crows feet and laughing a little. 

“Why not add something else to the list.” He told his reflection darkly.

He observed the beautiful athletic bodies around him in the locker room during PE and sports. He had thoughts that ran rampant in his head. Thoughts that led to searches late night on the web. Thoughts that lead to reading not just the manga from his shounen jump comics, though they had their rather attractive moments too, but the kind of manga where sex was on every page. Where guys with barely censored cocks fell in love and fucked on the same couple of pages. He learned more about all the ways someone could be a sexual being.

And those images led to kinks, as he headed to adulthood without many friends. He didn't even know they were called that at first. There were just certain things that attracted him more than others, things that made his pulse pick up and warmth flood him. That made his gut twist in that wrong-but-right way. People crying out of overwhelming pleasure when they were being fucked. Wrists bound or held in the palm of someone stronger than them. Thick straps of leather over pecks and ropes around thighs that made any fat on them spill over in a delicious bubble at the top. He was particularly fond of the videos where one of the men was in a torture device receiving pleasure and pain in the same measure, as another man delivered nothing but contact with him. He put himself in the place of recipient of so much lust that the other man couldn't help but tie him up and spank him for it. He wanted it so badly it ached some nights.

But every step satori took down into sexuality... it seemed to further alienate him when he looked himself over in the light of morning.

Now he was an unattractive guy with creepy sexual interests.

Even in his early twenties, as he lost some sense of his life's direction working a day job, He would pause every morning before dressing to pick at himself. He knew he should stop. He knew it wasn't healthy, but he couldn't break the habit just yet. Not when he had done it for so long

Years of the things people projected onto him were burned into his skin like highlighter marks in his mind when he looked at himself.

Eyes too far apart, weird red-black irises, eyebrows so small and so high up on his five finger forehead that wrinkled up when he was expressive. Dimples at the corners of his mouth he wished were the cute kind that someone would like to kiss but instead just crooked his smile up in a way that reminded some of a demon he had once been told. Red hair, natural, shocking even after he shaved it all off just a few months ago, looking too bright and out of place against his ultra pale skin. Long neck and prominent adam's apple, deep collarbone. In fact all of him was still so bony, even as he tried to build muscle he could never outpace his metabolism to gain any bulk. His ribs always showed just a little right at the corners of his tight stomach. He ran too-long fingers over his chest and wondered if he would ever lose his awkward gait from teenagehood when he had grown upward and never outward.

So he was there again, in front of the mirror. It almost didn't hurt anymore, his little self deprecating ritual.

Something a little bit different happened though, as he looked himself over this morning. Something else had imprinted on him.

Last night he had gone to a kink bar. 

Not to drink, no, Satori didn't drink. His mother had been an addict when she had him, and he never really wanted to touch substances, considering he had fought for his life to even survive being born underweight and premature. He would always have a tendency towards addiction and he had no desire to engage in it. But he understood their usefulness for people who could consume them reasonably. Drinks would loosen their inhbitions, inhibitions a person like Satori didn't really have to begin with. He was unsettling looking his whole life, why should he try to behave normally when people would just judge him for his appearance anyway?

He had gone to a kink bar. And there he had seen people who looked different from others. All different types of people. People with body fat, people lanky and thin, awkward tall people, super short people, trans people, people with lots or almost no body hair, all skin tones, all bodies. Sexual beings. All of them. Confident and gorgeous sexual beings interacting and enjoying themselves in their kink gear, in the crowd or on stage. Had many of them ever picked themselves apart? Had they experienced the things he had? He reasoned, maybe they had. Especially those that stuck out the most. But there they had been, all sexual beings, happy.

It was his first experience there and he stayed less than two hours, talked to no-one but the short guy running the bar who agreed to give him shirley temples while he sat, just to help him fit in without drinking. But something had clicked just a little bit closer to its rightful place in those two short hours.

So as he went over his daily assessment of himself the next morning he wondered...

Could those ropes with the fun criss-cross ties have looked good across his own body? Emphasizing the outline of his flat chest? Would high stockings squeeze his long thighs nicely despite their awkward silhouette? 

He wasn't just projecting disgust now, but musing at the idea of attraction.

He saw so many different people existing as sexual beings. Raw and natural and uninhibited by the things they might have been told were ugly about themselves.

Was Satori able to be a sexual being? A sexual object? And moreover, would anyone ever see him that way, enough to want to touch him the way he had wanted to touch someone else so badly when he watched videos or starred in the locker room all those years.

The thing was, Satori hadn't ever been touched in a sexual way. And when he got close to maybe letting that happen, he pulled back.

Because when he told his reflection it was disgusting and no one wanted to touch it, that was somehow easier than hearing someone else say it.

It was three more days of the same old same before he considered going back to that kink bar. There was a hesitant trembling in his heart whenever he thought about it. He wanted to...wear something. Something that would make him feel good. Something to find himself a little crumb of what everyone else had.

So he had gone to a sex store on the way home from work that night and picked up a simple collar. It wasn't a lot. Thick black leather with a silver ring on the front. It was still a bit plain, so he found the little metal nametag he had clipped to the zipper of his work bag. It was small, just said “Tendou Satori'' on it in kanji. His name, a nametag on his collar instead now.

His hands trembled a little as he attached it, but he couldn't bring himself to put it on his neck just yet so he placed it on his bedside and went to sleep. His dreams were the usual, intense, hot and sensuous wet dreams he had been having for most of his nights since realizing how much he liked kinky things. They always occurred after his nightly manga reading and internet surfing. When he was away from the mirror, it was easier for him to delve into the fantasies of being wanted by someone else. Of someone actually getting aroused to his body. He could project onto the pretty fantasy boys in the adult comics. He could imagine what it would be like to be one of them with the sparkling big innocent eyes, the small sweet hands that touched another man so lovingly. 

The morning came and he was there again.

Bare in front of his mirror while the sunrise cast light over his pale skin.

Only his face and shoulders were flushing today. He stared himself down before he reached for the object that made his stomach give that twist of something naughty. Something he shouldn't do but would feel so good. He picked up the collar with his name on it and fiddled with it between his fingers for a few moments. Tendou Satori. A sexual being?

He snapped it closed around his neck and took a shuddering breath before he looked up.

It wasn't like the collar turned him into someone else. It wasn't a magical girl wand. It wasn't a glamour charm from a fantasy anime. 

But there was something ever so slightly different when he met his own gaze, aside from the obvious halfie he was already feeling grow between his legs. This change was more behind his own eyes.

He knelt down, sitting on his knees like the submissives he had seen in the videos do.

Perhaps, his eyes were still sunken and ugly. But they were also lusty, and as he turned his head a little and blinked them at himself, he realized...he might be a little sultry like this...

Bony hands came up to his neck and trailed fingertips over the material, flicking gently at the ring in the front. Ugly, skinny hands. Or perhaps...they were a little bit playful today. He slid his hands up and ran his nails over his buzzed red hair. In this light, maybe, it was a little bit striking instead of just strange. Back down his high cheekbones he sighed, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding and met his own gaze again as he let his hands drop down lower. Little chills ran over his skin.

He was pretending he was seducing someone now. He brushed over those collarbones that always looked too prominent, fingers dipping into them a little, asking someone who didn't exist yet to kiss them and cover them in marks. Lower, down his flat chest, he arched his back as he barely brushed past pert nipples. Like asking that invisible someone to grab him roughly around the ribs because they couldn't help themselves and they wanted him that badly.

He was almost hard now and as he moved his hands to his knees to push his chest out...Maybe he wasn't fully ugly... Maybe he would actually be just the type to look good getting wrecked like the boys in his raunchy mangas. He could be disgusting in a way that was very attractive. He could be sexy, filthy, used, and every inch of his unusual body might even look better that way.

He slid hands back up his thighs, they would look absolutely debauched in a pair of stockings with nothing on above them, he thought. Perhaps tights with holes ripped in them from rough handling. That thought sent another shiver through him, making his cock stand fully up against his lower stomach. He let nails drag up until his hands were at the base of his own dick. His left hand moved back up to loop in the ring of that collar that started it all. This collar that changed so little but changed so much.

The other hand went sliding up the length of his hard cock, making it twitch against his palm. He stroked himself in front of the mirror for the first time in his life. He had never once been able to jerk himself off if he could see his own body, but his eyes were now roaming the landscape of him. Satori, imperfect, strange and dirty. But in a way, just maybe, someone would find attractive. Fuckable. A version of Satori that would make someone want to grab that collar and yank it upward to make him look at them with his deep soulful eyes. A mouth that turned up at the corners in a sly way that made you just want to fuck the voice out of him. A filthy smile to be filled with the cock of another man. Could he make someone want to choke him just by smirking up at them? 

He couldn't help but pick up the pace of his hand at the thought of what someone else might, maybe, possibly want to do to this body of his. His thin wrists would fit so nicely in someone's palm. He turned on his knees, showing his nothing-impressive ass to himself, only this time he imagined someone wanting to bring their hand down on the breadth of it. He could just see the collar still around his neck as he looked over his shoulder at the reflection of his ass, up on his knees still stroking himself as his chest nearly touched the floor. Could being this flexible be attractive? He imagined arching his back as such a sharp angle that his chest touched the floor, peering over his shoulder as the invisible someone grabbed his hips harshly and slid into him in between hard slaps to his cheeks. It drove him over the edge and he let out a cry, cumming harder than he had in a long while. Even looking at his own reflection, even knowing all the things no one liked about his body, he had just seen it in such a new light...

He turned around and sat on the floor in front of his mirror, catching his breath, cum all over his long fingers. On impulse, he dragged them down his chest to wipe it off and watched wide eyed as his reflection did this. He looked debauched, taken apart and flushed, collar still dangling against his throat. He looked...kind of attractive.

Tendou Satori. Tendou Satori was a sexual being. Tears brimmed at his cheeks. He was a sexual being. And right now, he could actually see himself that way.

Maybe...he would go back to the kink bar again.

As a sexual being.

**Author's Note:**

> ((Thank you so much for reading. It's been five years since I've written anything at all, so please be kind and leave a little comment if you liked it ^^; There will be more to come.))


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